Play

Our wooden animals arrived yesterday and the little one was completely engrossed in play. It got me thinking about one of the most challenging parts of being a stay at home mom: having a very needy and demanding little one. A friend and I were recently talking about the amount of self-engaged play you should expect out of a 16-month-old. The little one is sorely lacking in this area. She's demanded my constant attention since day one (well, don't all newborns?) and I have been waiting for a gradual shift of imaginative play on her own. But she still needs my attention at all times.

There are days I put her to bed and still think I can feel those little hands pulling at my legs, or hear that distinct whine that lets me know my time washing the dishes, reading a book, or checking e-mail will soon be over. I've been told to ignore it, to let her figure out ways of entertaining herself, but the whining never ceases when I do this and instead picks up in intensity. I always give in and drop whatever I'm doing to sit on the floor amidst the toys, or plop on the couch with a favorite board book. As long as I'm sitting there doing absolutely nothing but watching her, she will play.

It's recently occurred to me that I spend almost the entire day trying to find time for myself; trying to get her to play on her own. That means whenever I sit down with her I am only thinking, "how long will I have to do this before I can get up and finish those dishes?" I am so fixed on her entertaining herself for more than a couple of minutes that I end up not enjoying the play time we have together.

Those seconds of playing with her new wooden figures yesterday quickly turned into minutes, then a half hour went by and I realized she was running around creating little stories about the animals. She was kissing them, making them "dance" on the floor, feeding them her snacks, tucking them under covers for a nap, and well, entertaining herself for a very good length of time. Is it the toys? Do the toys she has not inspire any self-engaged play? Or is it a developmental leap because she's getting older?

I suppose it doesn't matter. I was just beyond thrilled to see her interacting with her imagination. I think mindful parenting is something that comes and goes in my life as a mother. I seem to be able to "live in the moment" when I am not stressed or too busy. But isn't that when we need it most? For much of the day my head is either in the past or future. I need to be here: living each second as if it's the last I'll ever have. It really seems so silly to just tell yourself that e-mails can wait, dishes can stay dirty, who cares if I actually finish a book in the next year, and to just be in the here and now with my daughter. Because who really wants to look back and remember they spent their child's first years worrying about a messy house? Not me, that's for sure.

So here's to living in the moment. What could be a better challenge in the midst of a very cold and snowy winter?!

Comments

[Becca]

So eloquently put! I find myself thinking the same thing most days too! What great play though! My 15 mth old is quite similar-she seems to want a fair amount of input/me watching. Here`s to our wonderful little teachers!

[Stacey]

How well you expressed feelings I seem to have almost everyday. You are right certain "toys" can absorb a child suddenly in ways you can't imagine. One trick I have found in mindfulness is to try to remove all other thoughts and focus playing on A for a while early on in the day, it seems to stick to him and give him the confidence to play independently more often during the day.

[kate]

So well said. I hear your frustration, and commitment to Elisabeth. My 16 month old daughter is the same. In fact, she is climbing on me and pulling my hair and nursing as I type. Being a stay-at-home mom is the most demanding, difficult job I've had, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It can just be so hard to put your needs and wants on hold everyday.

I need to shift our living space and toys to offer her more opportunities for self-directed play. Building or buying a play kitchen has been on my list for months. Is yours from Nova or did your husband build it? Those wooden animals are lovely. Are they an etsy purchase or Ostheimer?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They help me not feel alone, and I'm sure will speak to Elisabeth if and when she has a little one of her own!

[Dawn]

What a good reminder.

[Kim]

very well put! I always remind myself that children go through phases, that phases pass, and that I must enjoy each new phase as much as possible. This is easier said than actually done though, especially when those dishes start piling up...we must just keep reminding ourselves!

[Amy]

I hear so much of my own mother-thinking echoed in this post. June (my 14 month old) will play by herself for her daddy, but for me it is like you said, I have to be there watching.

Sometimes I think it is that she is learning to mimic me, so she wants to see what I am doing.

Thanks for the post.

[cloth.paper.string]

thank you, erin. this post is so timely for me. our 22 month old has required constant attention from the get-go as well. over the past few months the time that she has spent engaged in things on her own has grown from a few seconds to five and ten minute stretches. such a treat, especially since at the same time her language has developed so that her demands of our time together are that much more intense. why? tis it? who dat?

mindfulness is key, but it is so easy to have it slip away. just yesterday i was struggling intensely with my inability to be in the now. i appreciate your words today. they help ground me in the now. to see that i am not isolated in these experiences.

[Carrie]

My little one will be 3 tomorrow (!) and is getting better and better at self directed play. But, it comes in spurts and sometimes I'm just with. her. all. day. long. Those are the days that I scurry off to a yoga class or go for a run as soon as her dad walks through the door. Those are the days that I have to remember how far we've come since she was a crying/screaming infant strapped to my chest all day, only napping for 30 minutes 2 times a day.
The best thing I've read/heard (From the book Playful Parenting, which is one of my favorites) is to dedicate at least 5 solid minutes of undivided play/attention to your child for every hour. Now, I think this is meant for older kids, but 5 solid minutes for every 30 minutes works with us. It kind of kick starts her imagination and she's off and running.
Staying in the moment is so hard. You've described it really well here. Bravo to you and all of us stay at home moms. . .hardest job ever.

[Grace]

Yes, here's to living in the moment!

And don't expect too much "imaginitive" play from E. The imagination doesn't really "engage" until around age 3-ish. Before that, it's purely imitative play. I know it's so hard with your firstborn, but remember she's only a baby still. I guess I just want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself, lower your expectations of her, and commit to enjoying the moments that you spend interacting with her as well as giving her times where she is "on her own" a little bit -- doing her imitative work parallel to you rather than your having to sit on the floor and play with her everytime she seems "undirected."

But really, you're doing a good job, in a job that can be terribly isolating. Hang in there!

[BettyBetty]

It is so age-related. I can remember my kids a bit older than yours playing away on their own UNTIL I took a phone call and then all of a sudden they needed my attention and made it torture to talk on the phone. They have this uncanny ability to know when your attention has shifted elsewhere. It goes beyond just having a clean house--it is jut me time that you crave and I still crave it even though my children are 8 & 11 and much more independent. I always felt that one couldn't fully embrace motherhood without a balance between kid-time and me-time. I really have to carve it out sometimes and do my thing on my own and it allows me to enjoy tuning into their world more. That little bit between naps isn't enough.

[QALBALLAH]

I have two boys masha'allah. The first is like yours - never really played with anything and just wants me there. eyeball to eyeball. looking. there.

My second is a player and will engage with his brother/lego/figurines/anything with little fuss.

The first one never grew out of it and after reading "Raising your spirited child" I understood why - my first gets his energy from outside of himself - he is extrovert and *needs* to sound out his ideas on me/Dad/unsuspecting passerby just like I *need* time on my own to recharge because of my introverted tendencies. Some people need others in their face for simple energy needs. And it is sooooo tiring.

I would love to tell you they grow out of it; but mine didn't. Thankfully now he'll talk whilst I work but there still comes that time where just neeeeeds undivided attention.

Its important to keep yourself full of bounce though because like the saying goes: if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

xx

[Kristy]

Some children just need the attention whilst others are comfortable playing alone.My four girls have all been very different.Number one was very mentally demanding she constantly asked questions. From just over 8months she would point and say 'What's that?' Number two played easily with her sister and needed much less from me but still now hates to be alone.Number three plays alone and with others just as easily.Hours can slip by without her asking me for anything. Number 4 is so demanding.She needs me all the time and is now nearly 6!
A little tip with toys that I find works is to rotate them.I remove toys and hide them when they are brought out it's like meeting new friends and they seem to fall in love again!

[Peggy]

Thank you so much for your words. I so needed them today. With 3 little ones I have few precious moments to myself and when they pull me away from my task I often sit there and wonder how and when I can sneak away to finish. I do my best to live by the quote I have hanging in several places in my house - "the days are long but the years are short." The day will come when she will be in her own world for hours until then consider yourself so blessed to be so in demand. I certainly get the feeling that you do.

[My Inspired Heart - Sandra]

I completely identify with you. My 'baby' will be 3 on Friday and she still likes quite a bit of attention. She is finally getting to the point where she and my 4yo daughter play pretty well together. Some days, while home schooling my 9yo boys, she just insists on having my FULL attention and can be relentless. It can really be challenging...and tiring. But as another commenter said, the days are long but the years are short. That is so, so true. It really is over in the blink of an eye.

By the way...I LOVE that little cash register! That is just adorable and looks like such fun for a little one to play with!

[Annie]

I really needed this reminder to live in the moment. I have a two year old that wants constant attention and I just crave time for myself, time to read, time to work on my own fun hobbies, time to clean up around the house, time to just have some silence. But I don't really get that and I find myself so frustrated. I needed a reminder to enjoy playing with him and let other things go for a while. And find that time for myself later when Daddy is finally home!

[sallyd]

your words hit me as i read them [they made me teary].. i'm fairly new to this mummy & staying at home thing [5 month old son], & sometimes find it hard to be mummy, as well as cleaner, cook, etc.. & of course me.. i love my son very much & love spending time with him, but sometimes find i'm really not there, or as you mentioned, thinking about other things i should be doing.. this journey & adventure is only just beginning for me, & i need to readjust the expectations i have on myself, & just enjoy the moment whilst he is so young, learning & discovering new things! thank you for being honest & sharing in your blog & reminding me to enjoy the time i have playing with my son! oh & learning that this will continue for a little while yet.. looking forward to it!!

[sallyd]

your words & reminder hit me hard [a bit teary & emotional today] i am fairly new to this mummy [5 months now] & stay at home thing, & somedays i find it a little hard to adjust. i love playing with my son, but am generally thinking about other things, housework & cooking mostly.. i really want to be good at this mummy thing. it's taking some time, but reminders, like your lovely blog, encourage me to forget the mundane & remember that the time spent with my son as a mummy is so much more important & fun than dishes.. thank you!

[Lizz]

Well said Mama!

I'm so happy the toys were a hit! We really love seeing the pictures of the children playing with them.

[Ram in the Thicket]

Hi Erin, I have 3 kids, a 12yo, 10yo, and 7month old, and I can tell you that it's something that will come with time. I felt frazzled with my first because she was so high maintenance, and demanded all of my time. I had things I wanted to do, and sometimes felt a bit resentful. But it actually will get easier. And for me, it's easier to have a baby now with older children because they help out a lot and can entertain him while I do things. She is going to start to amuse herself more and more, so don't worry ;o)

[Amber]

Oh yes, I went through the same thing when my kids were little. I had all kinds of projects I wanted to accomplish but never enough time to do it. I found myself not fully engaged in what my kids were doing at the moment because I was preoccupied with what I'd do with a little time for myself. And when those very rare moments happened when I could be alone, I noticed how much more present I was with my children later. Hang in there...;-)

My kids seem to be going through another needy phase---probably because of our current situation. It's different now---more mentally needy rather than physically. They are trying to figure out the world and they ask me very involved questions... And then recently I found myself feeling the same way I used to when they were very young after they continued to burst into my room frequently while I was trying to write. I get the feeling that they want ALL of my attention right now...

[Taimarie]

I really enjoyed this post. My little guy is 21 months and really fluctuates between being able to play on his own, and needing my undivided attention. I am trying more and more to listen in on my own mental space when he gets whiney and clingy, and I have been surprised to find that it is those times that I am mentally preoccupied and "elsewhere" that he is most needy. I am learning how to attend to things like dishes or knitting etc, while still being mentally present and engaged with him, and it makes a *huge* difference in his response. Sometimes I still need a break at the end of the day though, it is tiring regardless!

[emilie]

Exactly! This is my life. I struggle everyday to live in the moment, to be mindful, to enjoy being with my son right now. I'm glad I'm not alone in this :)

[Tava/Yarnmama]

Wow, I just started reading your blog and I could have penned this post myself. I have a 6 1/2 month old and I get no time to myself, not even sleep (that's shared as well). It's so exhausting but I know it won't last forever and soon I will be wishing he was hanging all over me. Let me know how staying in the moment goes. Lovely blog!

[Sandra]

Live in the moment is just so hard to do. Knowing now what I do and if I had my time with my children(being small)would I do anything different? Most likely I would like you try to be more mindful but raising young children is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs but you need to be able to take breaks from it. So I still think that it would be OK to dream about the time that they will be able to do more by themselves and to sometimes take that time. The town that I used to live in when my children were small would give me priority on short time child minding, so that was great for breaks.

[Deirdre]

Such a good post---thank you for sharing that! And great comments too. QALBALLAH nailed my thoughts on this subject---I've only recently realized my almost-3 yr old son is an extrovert. I don't want to "box" him into a definition but that perspective has helped me so much. My older son is more like me, an introvert---we enjoy people but "refill" our energy by spending time alone or engaged in our own thoughts/crafts/reading. My younger son really needs the interaction.

Since realizing this, I make more of an effort to get out, hit library time or music class---because I know it meets needs of his that I can't even relate to. Trading playdates with a good friend has helped a lot too---he loves it and I get a little uninterrupted "me" time which is so rare.

'be here now'--I'm trying. I'm failing daily, but I'm grateful for every reminder, like your post, to let the rest go and be here.

[Nicolle]

Do you only have one? My daughter was the same, wanted me watching, then I had my son and everything has changed. I know that feeling of what can I do to get some time for myself. You make me want to try harder to be there for my daughter, it has to be tough to have all your mothers attention and then lose it to a new baby and other things. I am feeling sudden sadness for my little girl. Thank you for expressing some new ideas.