I went back through my archives and found a few oldies. Can we all let out a collective, "awwww!"?
Many of you have been wondering just what will happen to the little one once I begin working part time. Well, way back last winter I joined a committee to start a Waldorf school in the area. Remember that? Well, the committee kind of fell apart after a couple of months and we went our separate ways. But one member decided to start her own preschool/daycare at her home.
So the little one will be attending this lovely Waldorf-inspired program two days a week while I work. She's still a bit young for "school" and I imagine her more of observing the bigger kids and getting lots of play time in. She's such a social creature and being stuck at home with me day in and day out has proved too much for the both of us.
It's funny how you have this picture in your head of how you will parent. And you have it all planned out and think how amazing and lovely spending every day with your baby will be. And then the child is born. And if that child is totally and completely different than anything you had expected, you soon realize that who you had imagined to be as a mother is totally dependent on what type of child you have.
I was so intent on doing everything naturally. No bottles, no formula, no sleeping in a crib, no baby gadgets, she'd sleep happily in the sling all day long. But these things didn't work out. By month 4 of the colic I was begging to borrow bouncy chairs, exersaucers, and other colorful plastic things that adorned our house for too many months. By month 8, after not having slept longer than 2 hours at a stretch since her birth, we finally ditched the cosleeping and moved her into her own crib. By month 10, I gave up trying to successfully breastfeed her on an elimination diet and switched her to a medical formula. She changed overnight after that.
As frustrated as I feel about all of this and as much as I want to yell "but this isn't how I wanted to parent!!", I have realized that it's not about me. It's about her. And every decision I make, whether it goes against all of my mothering instincts or not, is entirely for her benefit and really isn't about me one bit.
So even though I am excited to start working, part of me mourns that amazing (and all too often trying!) opportunity to be at home with my child everyday. But I know that we are both ready for a change. And I feel like with every passing day she is showing me how best to let her grow, what she needs to thrive, and what she needs from me as a mother. But it's so hard to imagine having to ask someone else what your child did that day, if she learned any new words, or if she accomplished a new skill, or is there some new snack she likes? It's hard letting her go a little bit. Knowing that there will be some days we do our separate things.
So her first day of "school" is September 8th. I don't think it will be hard for her. She's so amazingly social and all her buddies will be there. But me? Well, I think maybe I might shed a tear knowing that a certain chapter in our lives is ending. Either that, or skip happily back to my car where my hot coffee and my choice of music awaits!
