I know you were all curious about the photographer that was following me around. She was a student at the Salt Institute and had three photo essays she was putting together before graduating. Heather followed me around from September to December, one or more days a week. She was hoping to put together a piece about someone in recovery from an eating disorder and had a very hard time finding someone. Somehow she was pointed in my direction, and so my story begins.
It's not something I usually share, but it's certainly not something I don't mind sharing. I tried to tell her I was completely okay with food. That my recovery was just that...I'm better. For good. I don't struggle anymore. Food is my best friend. I love it. I eat all the time, anything I want. I haven't looked at a fat gram or calorie in years. I buy local, organic, whole foods. I buy raw milk with the cream on top, eat cheese like it's going out of style, olive oil might as well be water with the way I use it, and I couldn't live without ice cream. So I told Heather, it's really going to be quite boring following me around. I mean, it's like following a normal person around who just happens to love food.
But she wanted to know more. She wanted to know what I was like as a child. She wanted to know when my struggle with food began. She wanted to know what it was like being hospitalized and how long it took me to get better. She wanted to know how I got better. So we talked. She brought her professional audio recording equipment and we just sat there for three hours and talked. It was weird telling my whole story, from feeling like I was the biggest one in my ballet class at 4-years-old, to being so sick I could hardly stand up, to feeling like I have the best, most perfect relationship with food now. But I'm glad I did.
For years, and even when I was hospitalized, I was told nobody actually recovers from an eating disorder. It's like alcoholism. Once you're an alcoholic, you're always an alcoholic. Once you're an anorexic, you're always an anorexic. But I didn't want to believe them. I saw the same people get discharged from the hospital, only to come back again and again. I refused to be one of them. I wanted a life. My passion for music and photography were what pulled me out of it. My desire to have a family someday and be a healthy role model for my children were what pulled me out of it. My discovery of local, natural, whole foods were what pulled me out of it.
Heather captured my healthy relationship with food very well. She captured my struggle with body image that I still deal with everyday. She captured Elisabeth's casual relationship with food, and her love of chocolate. She captured what an amazing support Sasa is, and how he helps me everyday to love myself a little more. She captured the inferiority I felt with Stephen, and how I always struggled to be better in his eyes. She captured my mother and I giggling, goofing around, and just being us. She captured the love I feel for Elisabeth and how I strive to teach her where her food comes from; where it is grown and how we prepare it. She captured my complete giddiness when it comes to chocolate and gluten-free bagels. All in all, she captured our life.
So last Friday we finally got down to see the show. There were only a few prints on the wall, and the majority were part of a multimedia slide show Heather created out of my taped interview and the hundreds of photos she took. She hopes to market it and spread my story. At some point, she plans on putting it online. If anyone is interested, I will let you know when she does. I was so thrilled by her work. It was an honor being a part of such a wonderful project.
So I here I sit, sharing this very intimate story with you. Maybe someone out there is struggling too. Maybe this will help them. I feel very privileged sharing my story with all of you. Thank you for reading. We'll get back to our regular (??!) posts soon!!
*If you're in the Portland area, the show is up until the 19th in their gallery on Congress Street, right across from MECA. The slide show can be viewed on their computer in the red room.*
