Bluebirdbaby

It's Monday, No Bench and a Cat

 

• No bench today, but I figured a Christmas tree in the background might be nice. The cat just wouldn't get out of the shot, so there ya go...you get a little bit of Kiwi too.
• Got that awesome bag at Darling and DeLisle during my lunch break today. I LOVE it!
• I'm still in a post Christmas daze. Anyone else? I feel like I'm sleep walking.
• I consumed five cups of coffee today in an attempt to break through the daze. It was unsuccessful.
• I am craving teal tights. Random, I know. But I put together a little outfit to show you how terrific they are :: boots (Gah...I want these SO bad!), tights (teal ones), dress, sweater,  necklace, earrings, and hat. 
  See...teal tights are awesome.
• Love, love, love this song. Her story is pretty amazing too!
• We're gearing up for ripping our kitchen apart next month. Oh my.
• I love these colors.
• This set is so much fun.
• Waiting, waiting, waiting for Sasa to get home. I can't wait!
• Kale, broccoli, and brown rice with an almond tamari sauce is what's for dinner. Yum!
• I've been craving broccoli for breakfast.
• I got this necklace for Christmas from my two loves. I will never take it off. I love it so!

What are you into this Monday?!

And a big hello to all my new readers! I've gotten lots of comments saying you found me via Artful Blogging and are stopping by for the first time. So welcome! Thank you so much for stopping by.

And just a cute picture...the little one with Purple Violet in her sling heading for a walk to the co-op. So adorable, that one!

A Day in Photos

:: Finally have a French press...thanks to Tara (you rock)! Morning coffee with my eggs is heavenly! ::

:: Learning numbers and how to dial. We've been working on phone numbers in case of an emergency and we made up a little song to remember them. I drew this gigantic phone so we could apply number learning to our everyday life. ::

:: Wool is wonderful. All dressed up for our nature walk. It was a cold and windy day today! ::

:: Lunch (cheese, carrots, apples, and rice cakes with almond butter), while planning for dinner. I adore this cookbook. It was a gift from Sasa. He has great taste! ::

:: I think Father Christmas is going to be very good to the little one and Sasa this year! ::

:: Dinner prep. Chicken breasts (we haven't had meat in months!) in white wine and tamari, with whole mushrooms and butter. Sides of brussel sprouts and rice. Yum! ::

:: Her felt people were walking to a field of buttercups (a yellow playsilk) and the animals were all following. Later they stumbled across a strawberry patch, a blueberry field, and the ocean! How fun! ::

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I thought it would be fun to document our day in photos. The little one and I are in full holiday mode. There is gift wrapping, some shopping to finish up, decorations to be made, and of course...the everyday life kinda stuff. So our days are full!

Top the above day off with getting the little one to bed at a reasonable time, which allowed me to join some gals down the road for a knitting night full of wine and chocolate, and you have a recipe for a very good day.

Now Sasa and I are relaxing on the couch, with our latest book, and looking forward to ending the evening on a quiet note.

I hope your Wendesday ends on a peaceful note too! Are any of you doing some holiday crafting? I'd love to hear about it!!

Signing, Shop, and Sun

First off, I want to announce a sweet little event that will be held next Saturday (the 12th) at the Maine Coast Bookshop from noon- 2p.m. I will be there with copies of Artful Blogging, free signed prints, prints for sale, holiday cards, hopefully some handmade goodies, and Sasa, the little one, and Doggie Fly! I will be offering photography tips, answering questions, and have a sign up sheet for a beginner's photography class held at my home in February (would anyone object to the addition of wine and appetizers at this class?!). Not only that, but there are many holiday events and sales going on in town on the same day. Woohoo! So if any of you locals readers want to head out, I would love meeting you!

And I've neglected my poor photography shop too long. I finally got around to adding new prints, print sets (as seen above), and holiday cards. Go check it out! And I'll refund any readers who make a purchase 10% when you enter "bbbwinter09."

In other news, we woke up to one of the worst rain storms ever this morning. It was dark, windy, rainy, and just plain miserable. Then three hours later, the rain cleared, the sun came out, and it was a balmy 60+ degrees in December. (I have to admit that as nice as this was, I am craving snow!) We spent almost the entire afternoon on the back porch reading, playing, knitting, airing out blankets, having lunch, and visiting with the chickens. How lovely!!

I hope you all had a marvelous Thursday too! Stay tuned for a fantastic giveaway tomorrow afternoon!

This and That and an Interview

I have nothing much to say here other than that we haven't really been home! We returned home from a concert in the big city last night (or should I say this morning?!) at 1 a.m. Then I was up for work to be there at 8 a.m. Now I'm home to work on photography stuff for another five or six hours. What a long day!

The above pictures were from last week on our baking day. We made fall inspired applesauce muffins, were thoroughly entertained by our silly cat who likes to bask in the sun, and spent so much time outdoors enjoying the unexpected warmth in late November.

And because I couldn't write a first of the week post without linking to something I am coveting...I have been drooling over large leather bags lately. I've never liked leather before, but oh...how I want one now! Something a bit like this or this.

And...Imene over at A Journey to a Simple Happy Life asked me to do an interview. It's up today! So wander over and maybe you'll learn something new about me! It was a lot of fun. Thanks Imene for the opportunity!

What have you all been up to?

A Dog, an Outfit, and Me (and some randomness)

I woke up this morning feeling funky. Do you ever have that feeling? I knew my outfit would reflect that...striped knee high socks just showing above the vintage cowboy boots, the comfiest leggings ever, a very old short-sleeved jersey dress I got for $4 somewhere, my favorite scarf from Mexicali Blues, a very tiny sweater I found at a thrift shop last year, and my favorite hat. Funky indeed! Doggie Fly wanted in on the portrait action, so he joined me. He's such a handsome dog!

I am addicted to Jem. Have you seen this video?? Amazing! Another of my favorites (such a sweet song). Love Sia's "Breathe Me" too. And one more...which is a song that always makes me want to dance...Bitter:Sweet's "The Mating Game." So how's that for some music recommendations?!

I just got done spending 30 minutes chopping up every root vegetable you could possibly imagine to roast for tonight's dinner. I think one of my all time favorite things to eat ever is roasted garlic by the clove. Oh my...delicious!

I would give anything for this skirt. Isn't it cute?!

I love these boots. They are going on my wish list.

This scarf is beautiful.

Love these festive plates.

This hat rocks.

I want one of these in my size.

My friend Mandi is knitting me some fingerless gloves and leg warmers. How awesome is that?!

I wish I could crochet myself a shawl. 

Thanks for all the tiny jean recommendations! I can't wait to find me a pair that actually fits and isn't filled with holes!

What are you all liking lately?! I hope your Tuesday was terrific!

Vintage Bench Monday

• Finally got my act together for a Bench Monday before it got dark
• Scored some super cool stuff thrifting the other day with a friend. The little one adores the wash board.
• Got my Danskos finally! Special thanks to a blog reader Nicolle!!
• Got this vintage sheet at the rummage sale. *love*
• Dinner tonight is carrot, apple, ginger soup and a salad.
• Sasa should be home any minute. Can't wait!
• this video and song is amazing...I think Norah's in love! (I'm not usually a fan of "rap" but I love this!)
• getting ready for Thanksgiving with the little one (anyone have any festive craft ideas??)
• looking forward to felting some bars of soap with the little one this week
• sleepy fairies are still doing an amazing job (yipee!)
• got an inhaler for a cough I've had for more than 6 weeks, waiting on pneumonia tests to come back (fingers crossed!)
• I used up my Pandora minutes for the month. I had no idea I played music that much!
• I'm really longing for jersey skirts and long wool sweaters with wool tights
• I really, really, really need jeans (see above photo!) Any petite readers out there with a good source for nice jeans??!

That's all I got this Monday! Hope yours was swell!

Our Weekend

From Friday to today...

It was full of beautiful sunsets,

fun playing games (a ritual after dinner lately!),

awaiting Saturday morning pancakes,

farm play,

couch jumping with an audience,

a very clean kitchen thanks to Sasa (he totally rocks...he organized the cupboards!) and a very clean rest of the house,

and dinner prepared by the little one complete with her little one in a sling on her back (we had pasta with tomatoes, followed by star cookies for dessert...yum!).

Follow that with a yummy dinner with some great people; a relaxing evening full of good books, a glass of wine, and a little Chet Baker; and a nice, long sleep and you have a recipe for one great weekend!

How was yours? What was your favorite part?!

It's Monday and It's Dark

It's Monday, and I'm benchless.

By the time I got home it was too dark for Bench Monday.

I mean, does anyone really like this time change thing? If I ever became president, I would do away with daylight savings time and homework. Yes, those would be the first two things on my to-do list. I've never met anyone who liked either.

So I'm benchless, but counters are fun too.

Dinner tonight is sauteed kale, onions, and garlic with tamari and hot sesame oil served over rice. Yum.

Dessert are those delicious figs you see above.

I swear the wine is macrobiotic. Really. (Okay, not really...)

I've been loving raw pecans tossed in maple syrup and canola oil and roasted for 10 minutes. Oh my. Delicious!

I listened to this while cooking tonight.

Their videos just rock my world.

I love this coat.

Thank goodness for Hanna and all her purple.

I want this. The little one does too. Sasa? Not so much, but we're working on him.

Dinner awaits. I hope you all had a good Monday! What is your favorite thing about Mondays? I've grown to love them. Something about starting over...a new chance at a new week. That's my favorite part. How about yours?!

Still Fits

My baby still asks for the sling once and a while. Usually when she's tired or in need of a little extra cuddling. We worked on dinner last Friday with her in the sling. She loves to cuddle, and I love to cuddle, so this works perfectly.

And I couldn't resist pulling up this old picture. I look tired and worn out (probably hadn't showered or slept in days!), and the little one looks a little stunned (that pesky flash...), but it's a gentle reminder of just how quickly time flies. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss those baby days so much.

I hope you're having a happy weekend!!

Artful Blogging and a Day of Leaves

I'm super excited to announce that I was contacted by the editor of Artful Blogging this past summer about submitting an article about Bluebirdbaby. I had stumbled across Artful Blogging this past spring when Sasa brought it home for me. I was immediately inspired by the beautiful photos, articles, and just plain amazing quality of the magazine.

So I wrote my article in July, submitted my photos, and waited and waited for the winter issue to come out. I approached the article like I was writing a blog post. Writing comes so naturally to me. I was one of those kids who turned in 20 pages fictional stories to my fourth grade teacher. I love to write. I love to take pictures. And I love spreading the happiness love. So I was thrilled to write a little blurb about Bluebirdbaby for Artful Blogging.

I definitely focused on the happiness I've found through blogging; the amazing amount of support from readers like you, the unexpected and so very sweet e-mails I receive from readers on a daily basis that just make me happy to be alive. Blogging has provided me with a way to focus on the positivity of my days. And the longer I focus on that, write about it and share it with all of you, the more positivity each day seems to hold. It's like some crazy magic spell...blogging makes me happy. You all make me happy. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And please, pick up a copy of Artful Blogging at your local bookstore. It's an amazingly inspiring magazine and you won't be disappointed.

For all you locals, you can purchase it at the Maine Coast Bookshop! (And say hi to Sasa when you do!)

In other news...the little one and I had an amazing day today just chilling at home. More to come tomorrow, but for now I'll share some leaf raking photos. We raked the entire backyard, she and I. And we did a fantastic job, if I do say so myself. She is an expert little raker, and loves to shoo the chickens away from our leaf piles. She is also an expert little leaf pile diver. So much fun. I remember this being my favorite time of year as a kid. Looks like she's following in my shoes...!

Happy Fall! Happy almost Halloween! (Oh gosh... I need to finish a costume!) And Happy Thursday!

I'm Back

Well, my new love arrived today. Ahead of schedule. And I'm loving it. I can't tell you how lost I felt without a camera. And I only had to go two days without it! So there I am, with my new camera, feeling pretty darn happy, although incredibly in debt!

My D70s will be shipped off to Nikon for a new shutter later this week. I felt so sad stripping it of all its accessories. It looked so naked without the lens and strap. It will be nice to have it repaired and ready for use as a backup on photo shoots.

It's chilly here! Is it this cold in other places too? All I can think about is wool! I've been bundled up all day working on my computer. This is the best thing ever for computer chairs. It's been keeping me nice and toasty. Tonight we're headed off to dinner with friends, and tomorrow the little one arrives. Hooray!

I'll be back in regular posting mode tomorrow. See you then!

Another Day, Another Outfit

No bench shot today.

We're heading out of town.

Long drive, but at least we have good music. (And good company too!)

It snowed last night. Snowed people!! In October!! That's just wrong...

I'll be back on Wednesday! Hope you had a good start to the week!

xoxo

The 411 :: Our Style

I get a lot of people asking me about my clothes, or rather my look. I buy mostly thrifted items, but staples usually are bought new like jeans and tank tops. So here's a little glimpse into my style and how to achieve the Bluebirdbaby look ::

• layer, layer, layer
• leggings are very handy
• skirts (the comfier the better) over leggings or jeans
• long tank tops under all shirts
• comfy top over tank top
• finish off with a sweater
• scarves (knit for colder weather or silk/cotton for inside)
• long necklaces
• funky earrings (for locals...try Mexicali Blues)
• hats, hats, and more hats (I am a wicked hat gal. The one above is from Kindred)
• my "leggings" above were made from an old shirt. I just hacked off the arms and put them on my legs. Cozy, upcycled, and funky at the same time. Yay!
• shoes (I prefer Keens, my vintage cowboy boots, and Simple. They are all super comfy and last forever and can be worn with anything.)
• long jersey or sweater dresses over leggings or jeans is another fav of mine
• short style sweaters over long shirts, or short sleeve sweaters over long sleeved shirts is something I often adorn
• I really want to add these and these to my wardrobe

To achieve the mini Bluebirdbaby style ::

• anything purple
• anything striped
• anything polka-dotted
• preferably all three together

I guess the little one has an easier time getting dressed in the morning. But at least I'm guaranteed to be warmer with all those layers!

A Lazy, Lovely Bench Monday :: Who We Are

We are two people who thrive on imagination.
We are two people who live for love.
We are two people who find joy in the little things.
We are two people who believe that everyday should end with a kiss.
We are two people who wake up feeling luckier than the morning before.
We are two people who still believe in fairies.
We are two people who enjoy just being. Nothing special. Just us, just being.

We are two people who can't wait for Bench Mondays!

Scenes From Home

:: Flowers from our ever-flowering yard. They are everywhere in our house. Everywhere you turn you see them, and you just have to smile. Sasa is the greatest flower picker and arranger of all time. Elisabeth is quickly following suit. ::



:: Work, work, work. Starting a business takes so much time and effort and the one thing I don't have : money. But I'm getting there, slowly. I'm so inspired and excited and on the right path. This is what I've wanted to do for so, so long. It's what my dream was, and now I'm here. I'm here with so much support, so much positive energy, and so much love. It's an amazing feeling and I am so very lucky. I will never take a moment for granted. ::



:: Stripes for my girl. One of the only things she will wear (other than polka-dots). I scored these at an amazing price and I so hope she will be happy to find them upon her return. ::

I hope your week is going well!

A Blue Bench Monday Full of Looooove

Long day at work.
Another one tomorrow.
Lots of photo stuff happenin'
I'm super duper tired. Like can't function kind of tired.
I think it's early to bed for me tonight.
Looking forward to getting some sewing in on Wednesday.
Maybe a new skirt?!
I love how I can list random bits with these photos.
And I love, love, love this song. Thanks Mandi for the good tunes :)

Happy Monday y'all. Till next time...

Bench Monday :: Farm Style

What a day.
Work was rough.
We are moving into a big, new building, and there is so much to be done.
I worked all day today shelving, putting up tags, and stocking.
Worked all day yesterday too.
I may go in tomorrow night and early Wednesday as well.
My feet are sore.
My back is sore.
But I finally, FINALLY got Photoshop! Yay!!!!
So that means I can finally edit some 300-odd photos that have been waiting for this day.
I have three photo gigs tomorrow. Yay, but wow.
Bernard (our rooster) really likes the sound of his voice.
He woke me up at 4:45 a.m.
I think my mono is finally gone. I feel so much better!
I can't wait to see the little one. Two more days.
I love her so. I keep looking at pictures of her to make me smile.
She rocks.
Sasa rocks.
Chocolate and red wine and a good movie always rock too.

G'night folks.
Until next Monday...

A Very Yummy Bench Monday

Who says you need someplace to go to dress up?
A dinner with my sweetie is all I need to put on a fancy dress and heels.
I made pasta with white wine sauce, fresh tomatoes, basil, Greek olives, sheep feta, and prosciutto.
Sasa brought home a super fancy bottle of red wine.
Listening to Ella Fitzergerald while dining rocks.
An after dinner walk is what's next.
Then a movie and some chocolate (again).
Tomorrow the little one comes home.Yay!
Our rooster is officially crowing. He kind of sounds like a dog squeaky toy, but you can tell he's so proud.
Does anyone have any sources for very funky, retro wallpaper? I think we're going to have to re-paper our kitchen.

The farmer's market just started coming to our parking lot where I work on Monday afternoons. It's so nice to walk out of work and stop by all the stands of fresh veggies, cheese, and flowers on the way home. I can always count on a yummy meal coming out of the ingredients for our Monday dinners.

So tonight's dinner was a made-up recipe by yours truly. I discovered that I really, really love prosciutto. Especially wrapped around fresh figs. Oh my. And fresh basil? Can't beat it!

Stay tuned for a great giveaway this Friday. Yay!

Happy Swing (?!) Monday!

It's raining.
Been raining for, like...ever.
Looking forward to seeing the little one tomorrow morning.
Salad and fish tonight for dinner.
Yes, I have my glass of wine already.
Sasa is working late again. I miss him.
I woke up to bacon and a latte. He rocks.
I'm looking forward to some sewing before dinner.
I have a date with my dude, a good movie, and some chocolate on the couch later tonight.

Does a swing count for Bench Monday? I hope so...

Love Is Real

So now let all the light that collects on your plants keep you warm, make you
smile
And I will be there with this pen in my hand to record all the while
You'll be laughing so loud that the house will shake with sound
And everything will be as new as the day it was found

And I'll send you all the world green and blue in a box through the mail
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand and be glad that it's there
And be glad that you're there

Catching up on my 365s while I have the chance. I've got some awesome vintage finds to show you all soon, and have a new dress in the works (with materials from my stash...yay!) that I can't wait to share!

Bench Monday :: All Alone

Another one, because it's just so darn addicting...

Bench Monday.
Sasa's working late.
The little one is away.
I have 2,000 photos to edit from 3 separate shoots. Gah!
I love red wine before dinner.
These red chairs make me happy.
This apron looks silly.
My slippers are so disgusting, but I love them.
Greek is what's for dinner tonight. Love that hummus.
I'm in a crafting rut. There isn't enough time in the day (or money to buy material) to sew more. But I have a load of projects to finish for other people (hemming, mending, etc.) just nothing worth mentioning here.
Another open mic night is in the works with this song.

That's all folks!

It's a Good Day for Everything

I wish I had more appropriate pictures for this story. But these photos were taken today after we decided it was a "good morning for a trip to the playground." Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera with me on our kite flying expedition. The last one is an oldie, but my favorite.

This afternoon we found our kites in the outdoor toy box. We decided a trip to the cemetery was in order for some kite flying. I put the little one in the Ergo and off we went. On our walk down, she squeezed me tight and said, "Mama, today is a good day for kite flying!" I felt the humidity creep under my clothes and was wishing there was more of a breeze. I said, "I hope so, sweetie. We will definitely try."

We got to the cemetery where the big field is and I tried so, so hard to get that kite up. It just wasn't windy enough. The little one was running all around trying to get her "baby kite" to fly. I think she was having just as much fun trying as she would flying. She looked over, out of breath and halfway across the field, and yelled, "Mama, it's a good day for flying kites, isn't it?"

Just then a cold front moved in. I was suddenly shivering in my sweater, jeans, and wool socks. The wind picked up and I could hardly keep that kite under control. It flew up and up and up. It kept going until it seemed like our entire little town could see it. The little one beamed and we took turns holding the string. I looked over at her and said, "Hey sweetie, it's a great day for flying kites."

We flew that kite for two hours. We rolled down the hill through the buttercups and daisies. We searched for four leaf clovers. We pretended we were dogs and ran on all fours. We stopped at the pond to throw rocks and look for frogs. And then I carried her back home, with her arms around my neck and her head nuzzled into my chest. As we approached the house she looked into my eyes and said, "Thanks for the good day" and kissed my lips.

No my little one, thank you for the good day.

Everyday she teaches me more and more about life, about living, about joy, and about myself. Everyday I get to spend with her is amazing and I am so very thankful for every second we are together. I am the person I am today because of her. Motherhood has pushed me out of my shell, it has made me more compassionate and loving, it has taught me how to be comfortable with myself, it has taught me to believe in myself, it has taught me what's important, and it's taught me how to live life to its fullest. How could anyone ask for more?

The Winner and Some Love

So, I know you're all on the edges of your seats just waiting to find out the winner of the giveaway. Sorry I'm a tad late. But the random number generator picked commenter 114:

I love the blue one with the birds. They are all so special!
Thanks for the chance.

Posted by: Janet

So Janet, please e-mail me and we'll get the bookplates of your choice off to you! Thanks for all who entered. Stay tuned for more lovely giveaways!
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Night falls like people into love
we generate our own light
to compensate
for the lack of light from above
every time we fight
a cold wind blows our way

But we learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say

I think I understand
what all this fighting is for
and baby, I just want you to understand
that I'm not angry anymore

~Ani DiFranco

That's my little tribute to Ani who will be in the big city tonight!

Things I am loving right now ::

-Ani and seeing her live tonight (!!!)
-This photo
-The sun
-This mixed media print
-This song
-This print for the little one's room
-This blouse
-Sushi
-This blog
-This video
-Gardening
-This movie

What are you loving right now?!

A Beautiful Day

I am continuously inspired by Meredith's writing. We are both going through very similar things and sometimes I am amazed by how her writing about her little one and the transitions they are going through, seem to be coming straight from my heart. She gets it, and that's so comforting. She's felt that mama bear start roaring. She's been at the bottom looking up, trying to catch some glimmer of light to hold on to. And she's done it. We are both doing it. Every day we wake up, hold our little ones a bit longer, give them a little more love, and try to protect their innocence another day.

I don't try to hide what's going in my life. It's a bit messy and I tend to share the positive things with you all. I've found complete and total happiness. It's deep down inside me, never to disappear. I can never lose it. I will always be able to go to that place where the littlest things can bring such joy to my days.

The little one has always brought me the greatest joy. I know her inside and out. I know when she's struggling. I know when she's thriving. When she's struggling, my whole world seems to stop. My mind becomes completely fixed on helping her. It must be that mama bear thing. And when I can't do anything, it only becomes stronger. And all I want to do is help her. I want to hold her and wipe away the pain and tell her "it's all going to be okay sweetie. Mama will make it better." And I try. Oh boy, do I try.

So you will have noticed my blogging has slowed down a bit. Our weeks are a bit crazy. Not having that consistent rhythm that is so essential to parenting can really be challenging.  It's exhausting, and I can only imagine what it is like for a two year old!

But this week has been a bit better. That sparkle in her eyes returned a little sooner than usual, she is all cuddles and kisses, requesting shoulder rides and trips around the neighborhood on her tricycle. My baby is back. And it feels so good. Meredith's post "how to have a beautiful day" really resonated with me this particular week. We had one of those days today, and yesterday too! I felt myself reaching for my camera more to capture that smile on her face, saying more than once to myself, "this is so lovely", and just feeling grateful for it all.

I'm grateful for the giggles in the bathtub this morning; the big, sticky kiss on my cheek at breakfast; the impromptu hugs throughout the day; a walk around the neighborhood while the little one pedals her tricycle; the stops to taste the sap from the maple trees up the street; the homemade pizza we enjoyed for dinner after saying our blessing holding hands and lighting our special candle; the dozens of books we read all curled up on the couch together; the 40 or so pictures the little one took with the camera remote of the three of us; singing her bedtime songs while she repeatedly interrupted to whisper, "mama, I loooove you."

Seriously, it doesn't get any more beautiful than that. And no matter how messy life gets, I will always have these things to hold onto. I could not be any more thankful for my life and what I have right now, in this moment. I want to always see the beauty in people and the world, like I have my entire life. And when I am strong, I know in my heart that no one will ever be able to take that away from me.

Thank you for all being here. Thank you for your kind, supportive words. On those days when it's hard to pick myself up, one sweet, simple comment I receive in my inbox can turn it all around. And I hope you all realize how amazingly grateful I am for you.

It Remains Always Peaceful

Eventually, mind discovers that it's free, that it's infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful. Eventually, it falls in love with the unknown. In that it can rest. And since it no longer believes what it thinks, it remains always peaceful, wherever it is or isn't.
~Byron Katie

Thank you all for your amazingly supportive and helpful comments. I usually keep things light around here and will continue to do so, but I guess my mama bear instincts just have to do what needs to be done in order to be heard. And I was. And it meant the world to me. I tried to reply to each comment, so unless your e-mail wasn't working, you should have heard back from me.

This week is looking brighter. I'm back at work, my fever is down, the little one is trudging along with more optimism, and Sasa and I have been ripping apart our kitchen. I'm not used to feeling so helpless and down. It's not me. Sasa has been by my side through it all and we've been pulling out our copy of Byron Katie's book. It's allowing me to get back to myself; to get back to the true love and joy that is always inside me. The love and joy that allows me to see that everything is okay, and everything is unfolding just as it should. And when you live with that, it's so easy to dive into life.

Enjoy the week! I hope to have a crafty post or two soon, so stay tuned.

My Story

I know you were all curious about the photographer that was following me around. She was a student at the Salt Institute and had three photo essays she was putting together before graduating. Heather followed me around from September to December, one or more days a week. She was hoping to put together a piece about someone in recovery from an eating disorder and had a very hard time finding someone. Somehow she was pointed in my direction, and so my story begins.

It's not something I usually share, but it's certainly not something I don't mind sharing. I tried to tell her I was completely okay with food. That my recovery was just that...I'm better. For good. I don't struggle anymore. Food is my best friend. I love it. I eat all the time, anything I want. I haven't looked at a fat gram or calorie in years. I buy local, organic, whole foods. I buy raw milk with the cream on top, eat cheese like it's going out of style, olive oil might as well be water with the way I use it, and I couldn't live without ice cream. So I told Heather, it's really going to be quite boring following me around. I mean, it's like following a normal person around who just happens to love food.

But she wanted to know more. She wanted to know what I was like as a child. She wanted to know when my struggle with food began. She wanted to know what it was like being hospitalized and how long it took me to get better. She wanted to know how I got better. So we talked. She brought her professional audio recording equipment and we just sat there for three hours and talked. It was weird telling my whole story, from feeling like I was the biggest one in my ballet class at 4-years-old, to being so sick I could hardly stand up, to feeling like I have the best, most perfect relationship with food now. But I'm glad I did.

For years, and even when I was hospitalized, I was told nobody actually recovers from an eating disorder. It's like alcoholism. Once you're an alcoholic, you're always an alcoholic. Once you're an anorexic, you're always an anorexic. But I didn't want to believe them. I saw the same people get discharged from the hospital, only to come back again and again. I refused to be one of them. I wanted a life. My passion for music and photography were what pulled me out of it. My desire to have a family someday and be a healthy role model for my children were what pulled me out of it. My discovery of local, natural, whole foods were what pulled me out of it.

Heather captured my healthy relationship with food very well. She captured my struggle with body image that I still deal with everyday. She captured Elisabeth's casual relationship with food, and her love of chocolate. She captured what an amazing support Sasa is, and how he helps me everyday to love myself a little more. She captured the inferiority I felt with Stephen, and how I always struggled to be better in his eyes. She captured my mother and I giggling, goofing around, and just being us. She captured the love I feel for Elisabeth and how I strive to teach her where her food comes from; where it is grown and how we prepare it. She captured my complete giddiness when it comes to chocolate and gluten-free bagels. All in all, she captured our life.

So last Friday we finally got down to see the show. There were only a few prints on the wall, and the majority were part of a multimedia slide show Heather created out of my taped interview and the hundreds of photos she took. She hopes to market it and spread my story. At some point, she plans on putting it online. If anyone is interested, I will let you know when she does. I was so thrilled by her work. It was an honor being a part of such a wonderful project.

So I here I sit, sharing this very intimate story with you. Maybe someone out there is struggling too. Maybe this will help them. I feel very privileged sharing my story with all of you. Thank you for reading. We'll get back to our regular (??!) posts soon!!
*If you're in the Portland area, the show is up until the 19th in their gallery on Congress Street, right across from MECA. The slide show can be viewed on their computer in the red room.*

Rest

Well, it's no surprise that I've been increasingly exhausted, drained, and just plain tired lately. Not to mention the horrible cold/sinus infection I've had since last October (no joke...) that just won't go away. People kept telling me it was due to stress; that the feeling I had been physically beaten was a natural way to feel when you're in the midst of a divorce. But I knew something was wrong.

I ended up in the hospital this afternoon and was diagnosed with mononucleosis. I just about died laughing when the doc came in to tell me. I mean, how fitting! I get an illness that requires only one thing to get better: rest. And rest is something I am not so good at. Granted, I have a 2 year old and a job, plus photography sessions booked, a divorce underway, and a million things I want to do for the house. But if I had the ability to just stay home in bed all day, I wouldn't. I couldn't!

But he did tell me that if I didn't get this much needed rest I would just stay sick. So I suppose I'll compromise by going to bed early, extra cuddling time on the couch with the little one and Sasa, and maybe a nap or two if the little one complies.

At least the computer doesn't require a heck of a lot of energy. I've got some fun posts coming up this week, so unless Sasa ties me to the bed in an effort to get me to rest, you'll still be seeing me around!

Happy

There are many days that my usual upbeat, joyful, full of life self feels a tad weighed down by a not-so-pleasant divorce process, letting the little one go for days at a time, feeling a tad financially insecure, and the exhaustion I tend to feel when faced with negative energy from others. It's on days like that I remind myself of the many things that can bring joy back to my life. Here are a few:

New vintage stereo system and turntable with many thrifted records.

Listening to an old Billie Holiday album as we clean up after lunch.

Watching Sasa and the little one build "houses" from blankets and chairs.

Vintage sheets, newly thrifted, trying to dry in the frigid temperatures outside.

An afternoon spent laying in bed, reading aloud to each other from this book.

Homemade kombucha ready for drinking.

Anticipating a night of friends and fun, good food and laughter.

And ... a special guest blogger! Sasa has agreed to guest blog all about how to make kombucha, kefir, and yogurt. He will also be occasionally guest blogging about "urban homesteading," so stay tuned for that! I'm excited to introduce him to this space here and it will fun to share our adventures with you all.

Have a great weekend!

And for no reason

And
For no reason
I start skipping like a child.

And
For no reason
I turn into a leaf
That is carried so high
I kiss the Sun's mouth
And dissolve.

And
For no reason
A thousand birds
Choose my head for a conference table,
Start passing their
Cups of wine
And their wild songbooks all around.

And
For every reason in existence
I begin to eternally,
To eternally laugh and love!

When I turn into a leaf
And start dancing,
I run to kiss our beautiful Friend
And I dissolve in the Truth
That I Am.

~Hafiz

First off, thank you all for your well wishes! I am feeling better and hope to return to work on Wednesday. It was quite a weekend!

www.ewallacephotography.com

I've been doing a lot of work on my photography website and I'm happy to announce it's finished! So please wander over and take a look. I'm looking for more people who would be willing to sit through a portrait shoot (for free!) so I can build up my portfolio. So if you're in the area and would like a portrait session of you or your kids, or a family shoot, please let me know.

I hope your Solstice was a good one! I hope to have some crafty posts for you all soon. The sewing room is in the works...

Afternoon Light

There's something about this window. It's my favorite. (And you'll notice that no priming has happened yet...) I can sit at the table with a cup of tea and just stare out this window for hours, thinking happy thoughts and feeling quite content. There are so many things going on for me right now and I have to remember to take a moment and clear my head. Somehow staring out this window seems to clear my mind of all those thoughts that I shouldn't give energy to in the first place.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with a sinus infection (seriously one of the most painful things I've ever felt) and am so happy to treat it prior to the holidays. My head feels a bit fuzzy and I'm currently trying to remind myself why exactly I sat down to type this instead of resting while the little one naps.

But then I remembered...I wanted to share with you some of the things that are making me quite happy and excited:

-The tree up with homemade decorations
-Getting my sewing room floor painted so I can finally move in and start sewing again (too bad the homemade Christmas gifts will have to be late...)
-My winter goal of learning the guitar
-This song (which I found on a reader's blog and love)
-Taking portraits at the little one's preschool and getting this smile out of her
-This print for our new home, ready to be framed and put up on the wall
-Baking more Christmas goodies
-Having homemade ice cream tonight
-These mod glasses
-My friend's playlist (she makes fun of me for downloading all of it and creating massive amounts of c.d.s.)
-a Solstice celebration with the little one on Sunday

So those are things that are making me pretty darn happy lately. What about you?!

My Own Face and Heart Reflected

You are
A shy divine deer
That I cannot cease tracking.

Though only once of late
Did I get so close
To see

My own face and heart
Reflected

In Your wondrous soft eyes.
~Hafiz

I know you've all been wondering who exactly this "friend" is that I keep mentioning. Well, he is indeed that: the best and closest friend I've ever had. He knows me better than anyone. He's also the love of my life. And I'm still trying to figure out the universe's timing with it all, but I have learned to trust it. And listening to my heart is the smartest thing I've ever done. I feel incredibly lucky and happy and thrilled beyond words. I promise not to gush too much, but oh my, how I love this man.

How do you explain looking into someone else's eyes and feeling like you've found the person you've already spent lifetimes with? Or realizing that you had been searching for them your entire life and never really known it? And how now that you've found them, you can finally relax, let out a huge sigh, and feel like you're sinking deep into the most comfortable couch for a long, invigorating nap. And boy, that nap feels so good.

He has taught me more about myself than I ever imagined. He taught me about inner peace and happiness, about embracing who I am and who I want to become, and has shown me the beauty of life's sweet and simple gifts. I am falling in love with myself because of the love he has shown me. And what a beautiful, amazing thing that is.

So you'll be seeing him around and hearing about "Sasa" (the little one calls him that). Thank you all for continuing to be so supportive. I enjoy your sweet comments and e-mails and hope to be around more regularly here in the future.

I caught the happy virus last night

When I was out singing beneath the stars.

It is remarkably contagious-

So kiss me.

~Hafiz

Giving Thanks

I don't typically get that excited about holidays, and have never really focused on "giving thanks" for anything in a serious manner around Thanksgiving. But this year, I feel thankful for so many things. I woke up yesterday morning feeling like it was Christmas. I felt that same excitement I did as a little child as I ran to the Christmas tree. We woke up to a yard full of frost that almost looked like snow, and there was such a feeling of festivity in the air. I went the whole day thinking how lucky I was and how thankful I am for everything and everyone in my life. There is just so much to be thankful for...

The little one's first television viewing. I haven't had television in 6 years, so the little one has never seen a show on t.v. or a commercial for that matter. But there is cable where we are staying, and we turned it on for the first time to view the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. The little one thoroughly enjoyed the dancing and singing before the parade started. She kept getting annoyed by the commercials and requested "more people!!!" every two minutes.

A Thanksgiving Day morning walk. We hiked over 3 miles with two friends while the little one stayed unusually content in her backpack. The weather was mild and the rain held off. We enjoyed some gorgeous views and it felt great to get some exercise.

Thanksgiving dinner at the sweetest little house ever, with some lovely company. It was a very low-key, relaxed day and we all had a lot of fun. One of the nicest parts was the fact that the pies, stuffing, and side dishes were gluten-free! So I had my first complete Thanksgiving meal without a lot of pain afterward!

An after dinner walk down to the ocean where the little one found a "choo-choo train". The walk seemed to finally tire her out, so she slept on the car ride home and remarkably fell asleep once placed in her bed at home.

And I am thankful for a new place to live, which will hopefully happen this coming week! The little one and I are so excited. We'll be sharing the house with a friend, and I promise to update you with all the renovations/redecorating that goes on. The little one has requested a "green and purple" room...any ideas on how I could make that work?! And you know...there will be a new sewing studio to put together and I am very excited about a new color/theme for that! And soon there will be some craftiness happening on this blog again. I am just itching to get back to sewing! There is just so much to be thankful for!

I hope your Thanksgiving was a good one. Enjoy the weekend!

New Digs

In another week or two it looks like we will be settled in our new home, right in town. I always dreamed of farm living, but I think I like the idea of being in town and walking everywhere. And, fortunately, our town has no regulations on livestock, so it appears that we may eventually get those goats I've always wanted. And the ducks and chickens may follow us there as well! So expect to see some pictures of renovations, redecorating, and urban homesteading. I can't wait to share more with you. It will feel so good to have a home again, and I hope to be back in this space more regularly shortly after with lots of crafty goodness!

I hope you're enjoying the weekend! I think snow is on its way...

A Big Thank You

I am extremely overwhelmed by all your lovely, sweet, and encouraging comments to my last post. Every time I opened my e-mail, I was greeted by words that brightened my day. So thank you all so much. I wish I could reply to everyone individually, but my computer time has been so sparse. I've been trying to post this for four days now! Please know that I felt such warmth from your words and it's amazing how they can make a challenging time much easier. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

The little one and I ended up moving to a temporary place last weekend. It was sudden, and other than lack of sleep, we are both adjusting just fine. We're both a little worn out. Transitioning to another home is hard enough for a toddler, but also transitioning to a big girl bed at the same time makes it even more challenging! I think the biggest hurdle for both of us is a lack of rhythm. When she was around 10 months old, I put in a lot of work creating and maintaining a rhythm to our days. Transitions became smoother, we both knew what to expect, and sleep was easier.
In the last week, we've completely lost that rhythm and it's hard to create a new one when she's not with me everyday. So that is our biggest struggle right now. But once we are in a permanent place, I think we will reestablish a comfortable rhythm and our days will run much smoother.

In other news, I've made a commitment to myself to not buy anything new for our new home. I will need to furnish it. Because I am not taking much from the old house, it's like starting with a blank canvas. It's pretty exciting, especially because I have so many ideas and styles I've never been able to experiment with. This past weekend I headed to a flea market to check out the goods. I didn't walk away with much, but it was fun nonetheless.

I hope to have access to my sewing machine soon, so hopefully you will see some creative work in this space. All these life changes can really leave you exhausted and with little creative energy. I can't wait until I'm back. Thanks for bearing with me, friends. I so appreciate your continued support! Until next time...

Catching Up and Way Behind

So I know I've been sparse around here of late. It's been a crazy fall for me. I feel a little out of rhythm. Fall is my favorite time of year. I love to sit back and watch it pass by, soaking in the warm golden sun, the smells, the colors. But this fall has been far too hectic for me and I find that it's passed by all too quickly.

The craziness I keep talking about? Well, I pondered about how best to bring it up. And I thought about not mentioning anything at all, but I knew my long time readers would notice shifts and changes and have questions. Its all very awkward to talk about, especially when I think about sharing such personal information on a blog for all to see. But really, this blog is a part of my life. I enjoy writing, sharing glimpses of our days, checking in with everyone and reading your wonderful comments (that I have been far too behind to reply to!).

Our little family has been going through some changes for quite some time now. Stephen and I are in the process of going through a divorce. I have been searching for a place to live for months, but having been a stay at home mother for the past 2 years, you can imagine how hard it is to afford something! But it looks like in the next month or two, I will be settled somewhere. I have many supportive friends in the area and I'm very grateful for their kindness and help.

So if I seem a bit absent here and on flickr, please know that I am around and I am still able to read your wonderful e-mails and comments. Hopefully once I get settled, I can concentrate on my writing and photography again. So bear with me until I'm back! Thanks for your continued support. Your comments bring such sweetness to my days.

words dance

I was contacted a little while ago by a lovely reader who puts out a zine on Etsy. She asked to use some of my self-portraits and I was more than willing to send her some. I got my copy of the zine in the mail today and it's amazing. It's an all-female issue and the words, poetry, and other photos are all so very lovely. I would encourage any gals out there to check it out, because it's such a wonderful read and so very sweet and full of talent.

You can find the zine here. I especially adore that photo on the cover!

I know I have been sparse around here lately. I have a lot going on and I just shot over 900 photos at a recent wedding that I am slowly filtering through, so most of my computer time is going towards that. And you may see some pictures with another photographer in the background. Like the one above. I hope I can introduce her soon. I will start by saying that I was contacted by a woman from the Salt Institute who was interested in doing a documentary on me. So she is spending a day a week with me until the last week of November, photographing every thing I do. It's rather amusing having someone else taking the photographs. And the greatest thing is, we get to talk photography a lot, so I end up learning even more! So in the photo above, we were dueling Nikons in a dressing room. I'm pretty sure she won. I mean, just look at that lens...

I hope to have some wedding photos to share with you soon. I'm ashamed to say I haven't had a spare second to spend down in the green room. I'm really hoping to start working on a quilt for the little one's "big bed" (I'm hoping to transition her soon...) and would love to hear of any simple quilting patterns that you know of. I'm a beginner quilter, so go easy on me! I'm assuming you can't go wrong with squares...

Catching Up

Sorry I've been MIA lately. Thank you all so much for your birthday wishes! I like being 25...it's a good number.

There has been so much going on lately. Not much sewing has been happening, although I did whip up a couple of bags for a local market day I participated in. It was a gorgeous fall day, but after sitting in the shade for 3 hours, I came home with blocks of ice for toes and numb fingers. It took me a good 2 hours to warm myself up! It's definitely fall in Maine.

My friend Mandi has a great Etsy shop called Long Winter Farm where she sells lovely soaps. I helped make the apple pie soap that will cure on the 19th. It was fun! Mandi and I shared a table at the market, and we were joined by Liza, another crafty gal in town. The three of us together make quite a team! I think we all enjoyed ourselves, even though I'm on my 6th day of a nasty cold and hardly had a voice yesterday...

And today, after I got out of work, I took a hike up in Camden. The weather was so very, very lovely. It was the first time I've actually smelled that fall smell, even with my stuffy nose. I wanted to bury my face in the leaves. It was a great hike up and at the top I was surprised by the most amazing view. Not only did I get to see acres of colorful fall trees, but the ocean was there and so beautiful. A rainbow emerged a few minutes later over one of the islands. Everything was just gorgeous! I look forward to my next hike. Fall in Maine is such a marvelous time!

And I will leave you with one of my new favorite photos of the little one. She really loves oranges right now and was quite pleased with herself for figuring out this silly trick!

It's My Turn

So I turned 25 today. I thought about keeping my age a mystery, because nobody can ever guess how old I am and I love that. But I knew I would get asked. So there you go. I'm a wee 25. I was born on my brother's 14th birthday, so we tend to celebrate together. (Which means two cakes!!) We had a great lasagna dinner down at my mother's house. The day was much enjoyed.

And yesterday I had the pleasure of doing something I've always been too afraid to do: singing into a microphone, in front of a crowd of people. That's right. I've recently hooked up with a talented guitar player in the area who writes most of his own music. I am writing harmony parts to his songs, as well as singing a couple of my own solos. I've also been writing some music too. It's great to not only be singing again, but also playing the piano and trumpet, and composing too! Maybe someday I'll get a video up...

I hope you enjoyed your weekend!

Located In The Same Individual

Creativity is a type of learning process where the teacher and pupil are located in the same individual. ~Arthur Koestler

I spent some time sewing today. I made some more pants for the little one and one pair for the shop, finished a new birthday crown for her preschool, adjusted the fit of her old one, and packed up orders. I am always amazed at how much I learn each time I sew. When I started last year, I knew nothing about it. I remember trying to sew in a straight line and thinking that was so challenging! But I stuck with it and just kept practicing. I still have ways to go and much to learn. Sometimes I wish I could take an actual lesson. Maybe that would decrease my stitch ripper usage?

This picture was taken after I remembered a few readers requested a 365 of me sewing. So there you go! Not terribly thrilling, but at least the green walls look funky.

Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time.

I did not
have to ask my heart what it wanted,
because of all the desires I have ever known just one did I cling to
for it was the essence of
all desire:

to hold beauty in
my soul's
arms.

~St. John of the Cross

I have something to confess. Something that's been brewing all summer long. Something that I think I've been waiting for my whole (short) life. Something that has changed how I view myself, the world, and my life. Something that may sound so crazy and foreign to a lot of people. Something that I've yet to be able to put into words or explain how it feels. And you've probably noticed a little shift in this space here; the things I share, the quotes I use, the stories my self-portraits tell. So I'm going to try to explain it, because I can't keep it in any longer.

I've mentioned before how I felt like I was living in a world of black and white and suddenly it's in color. My entire life I've felt different. Like there was one thing I was so close to "getting" but never quite got, like I lived in a different world from everyone else. And it's not a "special" different. It's just different. And it's always been a lonely different. Each day was a struggle, as I think many people feel. The way I felt about myself, the way in which I carried out my daily tasks, the way I saw the world and the people in it were all so exhausting and sometimes painful.

Rewind to this past spring. A friend told me about Byron Katie. Now, I used to be way into self-help books, then I dropped them all together. They never really got me anywhere. Sure, I could apply it to my life, but it never seemed authentic. It was like a mask I would try on and play around with for a while, but it never really fit me very well. So as I started reading Katie's book, I had that same feeling. Then, by the fourth or fifth chapter, I felt my head suddenly grow much lighter, like it had completely emptied out. It seemed to get bigger and was so light that it just floated away, like a balloon. Now obviously my head didn't really float away, but suddenly, in that very moment, everything looked different. I got it. It all made sense. That different feeling I've had ever since I could remember was now clear and it didn't feel so lonely anymore.

I admit, I never finished Katie's book completely. I didn't need to. To me, it wasn't about the power of positive thinking, it wasn't trying to analyze every little thought and emotion, it wasn't trying to change my thought patterns. It was simply about releasing something that had always been inside me, and now I just had the power to let it out. I started reading Hafiz and Rumi. I grew up attending church every Sunday for 20 years, but never felt God. I'm not a religious person. And I still wouldn't call myself a religious person. But somehow, I understood everything Hafiz was talking about. The God he refers to isn't the God I grew up learning about or praying to, it was a completely different thing altogether: it was all inside myself.

And at the end of my 30 Days of Happiness venture, I went to that field and felt it all. It was then that I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and loving everything that is. It was such an amazingly powerful feeling. It was on that day that I fell in love with myself and everything around me, so much so that I felt I could fly away. It was on that day that I could suddenly see and feel beauty everywhere. And it's so very hard to put into words. But if I try to put into words how I feel, it would be like there is some beautiful, amazing, magical world/heaven that I never felt before. And now I feel it throughout the day. And although it's always with me, some moments are so incredibly strong that I can't do anything but smile and forget everything. It's like just when I feel like I'm about to fall apart, something stops it. And it could be something as simple as a beautiful sunset, because when I see it, I can't help but think it's God (or whoever) smiling down and saying "Don't be sad. The world is beautiful. Here, I made this for you." And I know that sounds ridiculous, but maybe someone out there reading feels it too. And then it seems as though all my little problems mean nothing, because here is this amazing sunset. And that's all I really want to care about at the moment.

So I go through my days with this always in my heart. My friend describes it as living as a caterpillar your whole life and suddenly becoming a butterfly. Some moments it is not as present as I'd like it to be, and I hope that one day, when I finally become that butterfly, it will always be there, right up front instead of periodically getting buried during the harder times. These feelings are so far removed from thinking positively, staying in the moment, and saying affirmations to myself to feel better about who I am; all things I've done in the past with little authentic results. But I think that doing those things did bring me closer to this recent awakening.

And I'm so glad I can share all this wonderful craziness with you. It is often hard to connect to others because of it, and I sound quite insane when I bring it up in everyday conversation. And it probably sounds quite insane here too. I mean, when exactly did this blog turn from sewing to spiritual awakenings?! But what I love about all this is it's not lonely anymore. I've felt alone my whole life and now I know I can never be alone again. Because all of this love is inside me.

Have I lost you yet? I'm curious to know if anyone else has felt this? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading my craziness. I feel like with my explanation of what's been going on for me recently, my self portraits and chosen quotes will make more sense! And I admit, I've spent the last 2 hours debating on whether to post this or not. It's just putting so much of myself "out there" for the world to see.

Light
Will someday split you open
Even if your life is now a cage,

For a divine seed, the crown of destiny,
Is hidden and sown on an ancient, fertile plain
You hold the title to.

Love will surely bust you wide open
Into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy

Even if your mind is now
A spoiled mule.

A life-giving radiance will come,
The Friend's gratuity will come-

O look again within yourself,
For I know you were once the elegant host
To all the marvels of creation.

From a sacred crevice in your body
A bow rises each night
And shoots your soul into God.

Behold the Beautiful Drunk Singing One
From the lunar vantage point of love.

He is conducting the affairs
Of the whole universe

While throwing wild parties
In a tree house-on a limb
In your heart.

~Hafiz

Me, me, me.

What fun to read your questions! So here goes...with a couple of random bits thrown in too:

Favorite books are Fall On Your Knees, The Time Traveler's Wife (made me cry!), The Art of Racing In the Rain

If I had to pick two books I'd tell everyone to read, it would be Full Moon Feast and The Gift

Favorite food is rice pasta, preferably with homemade pesto. It used to be pizza before the gluten-free thing, and pizza still is my favorite food but I can no longer eat it!

I am starting to work part-time at a local natural food's co-op in September. More on what the little one will be doing later.

In the garden this year: winter squash, pumpkins, zucchini, summer squash, a TON of basil, tomatoes, cucumbers, radishes, snap peas, shelling peas, green beans, lots o' lettuce, carrots, onions, and beets.

Favorite movies: Off the Map, Amelie, Napoleon Dynamite (seriously, the first scene with the trapper keeper and I knew it was a winner...), and Charlie Bartlett

Favorite spots in Maine: Popham Beach, the Old Port in Portland, but pretty much any quiet place outside around here. I love fields. I could lay in a field all day and just watch the birds dancing across the sky.

I say "dude" a lot, and whenever the little one says "mama?", I respond with "yo." She finds that hilarious.

I will spontaneously break into dance or song at any given time during the day.

The best night of my life was when I played with Dave Brubeck. I will never, ever forget how I felt being on stage with him and having a whole auditorium packed full of people on their feet clapping. It was amazing and I'm pretty sure I will die a happy musician because of it.

My biggest fear is throwing up. I avoid it at all costs. I think I'm so afraid of it that my body refuses to, even when it could probably do me some good.

I have a bit of an OCD problem, but it's much better than a few years ago. I have a whole sequence of steps I go through to clean the bathroom, and water marks and crumbs on the counter drive me insane. Oh, and dog hair on the floor.

I still believe everything has feelings: inanimate objects, trees, stuffed animals, etc. It was so strong as a child (I was extremely sensitive) and I thought it would go away when I got older, but no...I still feel it. So when the little one is rough with her toys, I often find myself feeling sorry for them and telling her to be gentle because "you don't want to hurt the book/doll/block!" Yes, indeed. I am crazy.

I became a total hippie after working at a funky coffee shop for a couple of years in Portland. I decided to become a vegan there (that lasted until my 8th month of pregnancy), wore hemp sandals that have since been composted, switched to only organic food, realized my dream was to live without electricity and live off the land while growing all my own food, and just basically switched my former lifestyle around completely.

I took ballet for 12 years and figure skating for 2. (I LOVED figure skating but we couldn't afford it anymore.) I find that I often start doing a skating move, or ballet pose, or some crazy stretch while I'm standing around. This usually happens when I'm standing in a group of people and I get all kinds of crazy looks until I realize my foot is higher than my head.

My favorite smell is lilacs. We had so many lilac trees around the house I grew up in.

The one thing I would change about myself is not being so sensitive. Someone can just give me a weird look and I feel like I want to cry. It was so bad when I was little. I have a good sense of other people's energies too, so if I feel like someone is stressed, or mad, or upset, I usually take it on myself.

The greatest challenge I find about being a mother is the monotony of it all. Waking up and knowing you're going to have to go through the same routine day after day. There aren't many chances to be spontaneous anymore, and I really admire those parents that are able to do that. Oh, and I really miss being able to make dinner in piece and quiet. I long for the day I can try an involved recipe again. Everything I make now is easy and quick because it's "meltdown time" for the little one.

The only reason I started playing the trumpet was because my mother couldn't afford an instrument for me. Her friend had an old trumpet up in her attic and let me borrow it until I finally got my own in high school. I would have chosen the saxophone. Music was my whole life until I graduated high school. I would go early to school just to practice, stay later, practice during my lunch, during study halls, sneak out of class early to practice, then went home to practice. It's literally everything I thought about for so many years. When I finally got my own trumpet, I slept with it next to my bed so I could wake up and see it. I was so happy.

I really, really, really want to go to Italy and work on a vineyard. My friend introduced me to WWOOF, and I'm pretty sure I could be insanely happy living my life going from country to country working on farms.

And I thought I'd end with this lovely question: "What are you ultimately searching for in life?"

Well, I guess we're all searching for happiness, aren't we? Or staying in the present moment. But I guess all that I'm searching for in life is joy in everything that I do. I want to reach an old age and look back on my life not wanting to change a thing. I want to live every moment to its fullest. I want to be here and now without thinking about the past or future. I want to believe that every single thing that's happened in my life, happened for a reason and just as it was meant to. I don't want to think about things too much, I don't want to analyze every little feeling or situation. I just want to "be" with whatever is. And I do believe I am a lot closer to all this because of the turns my life has taken in the past few months. It's amazing to finally feel like I've woken up. Like I was living in a world of black and white, and all of a sudden everything is in color. Like my head that was always so heavy and weighed down was emptied out and is now free to just fly away. Or how everything I read, or hear, or watch, or witness in this beautiful world all seems to be connected in a way I never realized. And I don't know if I will ever fully be able to explain it. But that's okay. I hope someday everyone will be able to feel it on their own.

So if you've made it through this insanely long list of random things about me, congratulations! And don't forget that I'm willing to do a post just for photography questions, so leave any if you're interested.

Ask Me!

So, I thought I'd do a little post about myself because I have some new readers. But what would y'all like to know? So if you have a question, leave it in the comments! It can be anything, like "what planet would you most like to visit?" (Saturn, by the way.)
I'll pick a dozen and answer them later this week!

The above photo pair is a new project I am starting (just for fun) after having been so inspired by mirjan's lovely work. There will be more added to my flickr page in the future!

Look At Your Eyes

I am so small I can barely be seen.

How can this great love be inside me?

Look at your eyes, they are small but they

see enormous things.

~Rumi

For Colleen, winner of the apron, who wanted to see a close up of my eyes. I'm usually not a fan of the black and white/color mix, but I decided to keep the natural color of my eyes to keep it more interesting. It seems that our weekly trips to the beach have resulted in a bit more freckles on my nose!

Workin' Out

So my body got quite a shock this morning. A mama friend is teaching a class at a new gym in town and I got talked into it. I haven't exercised in about 3 years. I used to go to the gym everyday (at 4:30 a.m. before I left for work. I was pretty hardcore about it.) and then I'd run up to 6 miles after work. I was, for lack of a better term, buff. Still puny, but a buff puny. Now I'm just puny without the buff, which really is not good at all. But I do think that carrying around a 30 pound toddler counts for something. I mean, there is a hint of a bicep there, right?!

I think I may make this Tuesday morning exercise class a regular thing. It was fun, and at least I will be getting exercise once a week. It will probably take me a full 7 days to recover anyway...

365 Days of Self-portraits

So did ya'll know I committed myself to 365 days of self-portraits on flickr? Oh yes. I did. Exactly 41 days ago I had a little lapse in sanity and signed myself up. You see, I was always the one behind the camera and I was mighty pleased with that fact. I was not comfortable being in pictures, and every time I saw a picture of myself I would cringe and think "I don't really look like that, do I?!" and hope someone would assure me that no, I did not.

But back in the day of film, one of my photography assignments in school was a self-portrait session. I rolled my film (24 shots), cleaned my lens, and went home to do the assignment. I was using a cheap SLR, in manual mode, with no idea that different lenses existed. I didn't even know what lens I was using. I never thought about the shots before taking them. It was all so spontaneous. I didn't have a tripod. I didn't really look through the viewfinder first to see if my body would even make it into the shot. And yet, all 24 shots came out. And some of them were pretty amazing. I won a couple awards, one is in the permanent art gallery at the school, and I was in the city art show.

Sometimes I will be out (my camera is always with me) and I will see someone doing something completely ordinary like reading a book, walking down the street, or talking with a friend, and they just look so beautiful in that moment. But most people see a camera and turn away, exclaiming that they look horrible in pictures and "hate having their picture taken." And it makes me sad, because I want to say, "but you don't know how beautiful you are" and I want to capture every single ounce of that beauty and emotion in a photograph. So I thought to myself, could I capture the beauty I am starting to find in myself? Not necessarily physical beauty, but the beauty I know is deep within me; the kind that sometimes only a photograph can capture because we are all too busy in our lives to see it in the moment.

So if I can capture at least one moment of beauty out of 365 days, then I will call it a success. And if I can continue to learn to be comfortable in my body and grateful for my body through photographs, then I will call it a success. And if I am not too shy to hide my silliness, my playfulness, and my quirkiness, then I will call it a success. And if I can inspire anyone to join in, let go, and just have fun, then I will definitely call it a success.

Thank You

I love hearing from my readers and I love how I get so much support when I need it. The comments on my last post made me feel so much better. I woke up this morning in the best mood, turned up the little one's favorite station and danced and danced. After I finished that, I took a very, very long shower. Top that off with early morning sewing, some duckling fun, chocolate before coffee, and a lovely picnic by the river with a friend and I am glad to report that I am savoring each minute of my alone time now. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be anxious to see her, but for now I am enjoying myself.

I'm having fun playing around with my new camera remote. I've always been too shy to take self-portraits, but I have fallen in love with some of the very clever and artistic self-portraits I see around flickr. I was inspired to learn the art form myself, but it's really much harder than it seems. Just getting my head in the frame is a feat!



So I went to visit my "future" car again today, just because I had the time. It's not quite as lime-green as I remember. Perhaps more of an avocado? But I still love it. I admit to having to wipe some drool off the hood. I'm just that in love with it. (Okay, there was no drool, but I was close.) I ordered this book after many people recommended it and conversed with Sara from the Live Lightly Tour who recommended a good DVD. (They were supposed to make a stop at our house last fall, but it never worked out. You should check out their website. It's very inspiring!)

I have some sewing projects in the works. I made a skirt for myself from my own pattern, but alas...I decided I didn't look good in it. So it will probably be available in the shop soon. I'm very excited to add some adult clothing to my shop in the future, so this is a good start. And also, I am working on a very fun, and very exciting giveaway for my blog in the near future. So I'll keep you all updated about that.

Enjoy your Tuesday!

I Miss My Baby

I dropped off the little one to spend three days with Stephen at the family summer home. I thought I'd be jumping for joy once I got home to a quiet house, but all I can do is think about how much I miss her and how absolutely weird having a clean and quiet house is...

Our Morning

I used to do a "day in the life" in pictures on my old blog. My readers always liked that and it was a fun way to document exactly what happens around here, and fun for me to look back and see too. So I snapped some shots of our morning together. Stephen is away for a while, so it's just me and the little one until my mother comes up to visit. We are having a blast, just us girls.



I co-sleep with the little one for half the night. She starts out in her crib (which is pushed up against my bed) and ends up with me. This morning she amazingly slept until 6 a.m. and woke me up with a big, wet kiss.



Then it was off for the first play of the day. Starting with the kitchen, of course. Isn't that light something?!



Blueberry pancakes were on the menu this morning. The little one helped me stir and mix, tested the blueberries, and had the first pancake with her requested "extra" blueberries and maple syrup. Note the messy kitchen and dishes I must wash after I get off the computer...





It was soon out the door to get more duckling supplies (who knew I would have to fill two water jugs four times a day for those silly ducks?), a much needed green tea at the cafe and a visit with all our friends, then it was off to the farmer's market. That first picture is the parking lot at the farmer's market! Beautiful, isn't it? We got some greens and fresh chicken and spent some time running around the grass and listening to the fiddle player.





On the ride home I spotted dozens of seagulls soaring through the sky. I knew the alewives were running, so I quickly pulled over and grabbed the camera. It was amazing to see hundreds of alewives just below the water. The little one yelled "fishy, fishy!" over and over again. I had to juggle holding her (not a toddler-friendly place, mind you) and the camera while trying to snap shots. We watched the seagulls swooping down for a little snack and collected some rocks to bring home.

That was our morning (all before 11 a.m. anyway). Wasn't that just thrilling?! I'm attempting to work on a patchwork picnic blanket this weekend. I have never, ever made anything remotely close to a quilt and I will be making this up as I go. Any tips? I promise you'll see some crafty stuff around here soon. We've just been so busy with the garden, the ducks, and well...life. Thanks for continuing to read what I have to say in this little space. Enjoy your (long) weekend!

(Oh, can I mention that I stumbled across a 1980's Mercedes lime-green diesel sedan? Can I mention that I really, really want it? And that I will convert it to biodiesel, which has been my dream for a couple of years? Seriously...lime green, vintage Mercedes, biodiesel...what more could a crazy girl want?!)

Indefinite Hiatus

Well, guess who got bit with the music bug again? Yup, that would be me. Being a former musician, who was completely and totally immersed in music until the birth of the little one (my last gig was two weeks before the birth!), I knew there would come a time when I would long to pick up the trumpet again. My life has been spent putting every single ounce of energy I have into one key interest at a time. Those interests would shift now and again, but music has been one that I've always been incredibly passionate about. I have never felt more myself than when I have my trumpet in my hands.

It's been hard for me to "get back into it" solely because of the reason that motherhood takes up a tremendous amount of energy and time. I couldn't imagine trying to do both; that's just how "into it" I get when music is in my life. But I've been feeling the shift for more than a month. (Okay, I admit...seeing a chick trumpet player at the Ani Difranco concert in January was just so much motivation.) But trying to figure out how to be both a mother and a musician is still something I've yet to solve. My idea of being a musician entails hours of practice a day, playing gigs, taking lessons and classes to finish my degree (almost there...), and so much more. But instead of getting overwhelmed and realizing that I can't quite make it back to school, I've decided to just continue lessons and put in as much practice as I can. Hopefully, gigs will soon follow.

So, with the way my mind works, I have to close the shop for an indefinite period. I'll finish up the custom orders I have and take any orders that arrive before Saturday, when the shop will officially close until further notice. It's nearly impossible for me to fathom running a shop and getting back into music at the same time. I've also toyed with the idea of getting a part time job this summer, so the little one can spend time with other children at another mama's house while I get some much needed social interaction with people actually my own age. I'm realizing that we're both at a point where this would be benificial.

I apologize if it appears that this has come from out of the blue. I guess I've been thinking about it for a while, but when the trumpet emerged today and those first few warm-up notes were played, I knew I had to do everything I could to put my all into it. Music is a huge part of me that has been dormant for so many months. I'm glad my interest in music has sparked again and I look forward to seeing what will become of it. Hopefully, you will too.

Being A Mother

(Photo from last Mother's Day)

Motherhood was never something I saw in my immediate future. My plan was to adopt in my late thirties, thinking I'd be this very independent gal who traveled all over the world touring (with a band) and never really had time to settle. So when I found myself married and pregnant in my early twenties, that future that I had envisioned since childhood suddenly broke into a million tiny pieces and floated away. But I was okay with that. I knew motherhood would open up a whole new world of possibilities.

I didn't realize that with becoming a mother, the identity I had always known, the person I had become, would suddenly disappear as soon as my screaming daughter was placed on my chest after a long and painful birth at home. The person I had grown accustomed to, who I had finally learned to accept and found comfort in, was suddenly a sleep-deprived, lactating, worried, anxious woman who now had an added appendage that was never there before. It took months to grow into my role as a mother. It wasn't love at first sight and there were many rough times before I could really settle into my new role. I often found myself longing for the person I was before.

But with all the evolving and adapting over the last 19 months, I will say that I wouldn't change a thing. The person I have become, who I have grown into and grown to love, is way more interesting, insightful, creative, loving, and compassionate than the person I was before. To have the honor of spending everyday with this marvelous, captivating, and amazing little person who has so much to offer the world, is a remarkable gift. I find great joy in being her mother and the gift of motherhood is something I will be forever thankful for.

I hope you enjoyed Mother's Day. See you around...